Tuesday, September 01, 2009

When Ishmael met Papa..

Early last week, our driver Ishmael told us his mother had died and requested to take leave to attend her funeral. He was given permission and promptly departed. Yesterday, we heard through the help-vine that Ishmael was back in town. Sister Y called him to find out how far. Although I prefer to drive myself and have issues with drivers that cannot remember where they went yesterday or, once reminded, how to get there again, I had an interest in seeing Ishmael – one of the tyres on my car had gone flat. The idea of fixing it myself did not thrill.

And so yesterday afternoon Ishmael found himself in our living room being interrogated by Sister Y. Her courtroom tactics proved effective, as his dead-mom alibi soon started to crumble. Papa, one of the security guards, was brought in as witness number one to unearth the real story. Bored of the banter, I left the living room to continue working, only to be alerted back a few minutes later by aggressive shouting and the staccato impact of fist on face meat. Papa and Ishmael had come to blows. Once separated, the bizarre truth then started to leak out.

It turned out that Ishmael had faked his mother’s death in the first place to get sympathy money from us, as well as time off. Papa had agreed to go along with the story and provide cover should it be needed, gaining a cut of our sympathy money as his side of the deal. Papa had his own interests in play – he needed to go to his village for a relative’s funeral (whether a real or fake death, we don’t know). Ishmael, on the other hand, wanted the time off and the money to visit a juju-man. Specifically, Ishmael wanted to have the ability to appear and disappear at will, so that he could be an effective robber and sprite in the night. Papa had apparently recommended a juju-man from his village who, for a mere N20k, could bestow such gifts. The arrangement was that Tweedledum and Tweedledee would visit Papa’s village together – Papa for the real/fake funeral, and Ishmael to obtain the requisite magical powers.

Separated, Ishmael and Papa stood facing each other in our living room, as the Nollywood saga spewed its truth all over our Turkish rugs. Sister Y commandeered Ishmael’s phone to source for elements of corroboration in the story. She called one number, stored as ‘mummy’ in his address book. It turned out to be Ishmael’s wife. She called another number, with ‘mummy x’ as the associated name. Ishmael volunteered that it was his girlfriend. She then discovered his father’s number, and after some back and forth, found out that Ishmael’s mother had in fact died several years ago. By this time, Ishmael’s eyes had become bloodshot, and an air of defeat hung heavy about him. The curse of stupidity (see an earlier post) had done battle with an innate sense of superiority and won.


Oguro in stitches,  11:57 am  

Laff wan kill me die !!! only you ??? no vex for ya driver or watchman na dem way be dat...

ShadeNonconformist 1:15 pm  

Can't get over this line:

Ishmael wanted to have the ability to appear and disappear at will, so that he could be an effective robber and spirit in the night.

Wouldn't we all.

Sassy Trends 1:53 pm  

Chineke meeeeehhhhhhhhhhh!
LMAO... that one na real nollywood swagger... me like me luv.Lwkmd!!!

E be like sey the work wey dem don do for una house don reach make dem cum dey go. You need anoda watchman and driver gaskia!!!

Anengiyefa 2:14 pm  

Is this really true, abi na just jist? It would make a good Nollywood tale though..

BBG 3:03 pm  

LWKMD!! ah ahn

Naijadude 3:33 pm  

Is Ishmael still employed?/

whyte,  4:51 pm  

Too funny!

But how was Ishmeal interrogated? did he give up his phone willingly like that to be outed and humiliated?

How old are they? even with one named 'papa' they both sounded like chiildren and the interrogation sounded like one with children too, or something else..

Too funny still

Anonymous,  11:36 pm  

It's a lie! Jeremy, is this true?

Dapxin 3:57 am  

great f ucking poooooooooooooooost!

cant stop laughing!

Wayan @ OLPC News 4:35 am  

Now what would have happened if their plan had succeeded? Would Ishmael have ratted out Papa when the juju-man's voodoo didn't work?

Ms. Catwalq 4:52 am  

I swear, your life is a blockbuster waiting to be made.
Only you, Uncle Jereh, only you.

uknaija 2:38 pm  

Brings back fond memories...:-)

Anonymous,  8:28 pm  

you STILL have this guy?! you deserve the vegan cake i ordered for you guys today. I hope someone is writing a book. By the by, the formidable Sister Y is in line for a national honor methinks...

Dami 10:32 pm  

kai you've been watching too many kanywood films! juju driver ??

liberty 11:11 pm  

I agree with you. This is really a spectacle worthy of a nollywood movie. It is about the most interesting thing I've read on the internet today. LoLlllll!!!!

Nigerian drivers, most of them can't be trusted at all. When I was yonger, we used to have a driver who used to deliberately mess up the car with the anticipation that my mom will give him money to repair the damage, then he would repair the car and keep the money.

Wences 2:00 pm  

Estoy colgando en la web una blognovela: El fin del mundo. Si te apetece, me gustaría que le echases un vistazo y me dijeses qué te parece. Gracias.

In my head and around me 9:50 am  

Really? This is too ridiculous to be true.

Anonymous,  11:12 pm  

More like the old Jeremy. Where have you been? Please more of this and less of the generic 'this is what's happening in Nigeria' posts.

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