Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Letter to Farouk (hilarious)

Dear Farouk,

How are you? I really hope that all is well with you. I'm sure that all should be well because in spite of your present predicament you are still entitled to three full meals with complements of juice and assorted drinks (even those who didn't attempt to bomb planes live on less than $1 a day in 9ja). When you are finally convicted, you will still be fed on government expense.

You'll be allowed to play games and participate in sporting activities. If you so desire, you'll be allowed to pursue the Master's Degree that you abandoned. (By the way I struggled to pay the fees for my Masters). My father was never a bank chief (not even a community or micro finance bank).

I am struggling to understand your (in) action. Growing up you must have had all and I mean ALL of the things that many of your mates only wished and hoped for. A BMX, Raleigh or Chopper bicycle. Nintendo games and accompanying cartridges, PS2, PS3, XBox, PSP, most definitely a car or cars (I can bet you never entered molue, danfo, okada, keke marwa or BRT) with driver and possibly bodyguard or at least police escort. You've had foreign Ivy League education and to top it all up Farouk; you lived in a 4Mpounds house. Gbogbo bigz boiz. Haba Farouk, minini (hausa), ogini (ibo), kilode (yoruba),???

My guy, upon graduation you would have served only if you wanted to and possibly in your janded abode. One hungry hustler would just have been collecting your allowee (less than what you spend on boxer shorts). At the end of the service year, they would just issue a directive to the deegee of corpers to send (did I say send) bring your discharge certificate to your house in Lag or Abj. Even if you decided to wear khaki and obey the clarion call, 'under the sun and in the rain', you would only have gone for parade when you so desired.

You are not likely to have gone on endurance trek because you've never had to endure. While in camp many 'ordinary' corpershuns would have tried to attach themselves to you so that after service they could have used your influence to open doors that will better their lives.

After service, jobs were waiting for you (that's if you decided to work). If you wanted a bank job, ba wahala. You wouldn't have started from entry level, you may have settled for GM, DGM or AGM. If you wanted to go into politics (many of your type are in the hallowed chambers) they would have asked the chairman of the party in your state to bring the form to your house only for you to append your signature they'll be the ones to fill in the other information. Any other candidate for the post you are interested in would have been settled.

When you are finally sworn in, you wouldn't have to move or second any motions just raise your hands in favour or against when Mr. Speaker or Senate president call for a vote. You would have been chairman of one committee and member of others even though you won't be doing anything. Any of the heads of the agencies upon which you 'perform' oversight functions would have been summoned by your committee in order to give your constituents the impression that you are working.

You would have initiated a probe, set up a subcommittee, given them terms of reference, you would have received the report of the committee and presented it on the floor of the chamber that you belong to. That would havebeen the end and megabucks would have been voted or such frivolities.

You would have been a member of many elite clubs, you'll be playing Tiger Wuuds game, and you'd have one of the most expensive horses to play polo. 9ja's version of HELLO magazine would have done a feature on you and your horse.

OL boy, after much persuasion your popsie would have arranged the daughter of one of his friends for you as your ameriya (new wife). Your wedding would have drawn the crème de la crème of society; the weekly soft sells would have carried headlines like WHAT SOCIETY WOMEN WORE AT FAROUK and FAROUKATT's wedin fatiha, with the rider, how they met, and the details of their jewelry. They would have told us about how you proposed to her when you took her for a weekend trip in that mid east country that our countrymen now take out time to go to it sounds like doo-bye.

We would have read about how a former president or head of state was the chairman of your wedding, the reception would have taken place at the international conference centre; it would have been aired on network TV on Sunday nite. (Even though you don't watch local TV).

Farouk! Are you still there? Don't worry I'll soon finish. Ehen shebi you were in jand before, then the country of Kofi's and Kwame's, you entered eko o'ni baje, then 'Hamstadam', then Yankee.. Why did you enter 9ja, you should have avoided here. Suppose your popsie had been at the airport, he would have finally found you (at least he would have considered you a prodigal son).

I don't know the full details of your travel schedule but you had a number of visas on your paali (passport). You need to know how much dry fasting and prayer some people do to raise money to get a passport before proceeding to prayer camp or redemption city on Lagos Ibadan xpressway to receive laying on of hands for breakthrough for visas.

Some of these people go along with their passports too and insist that a man of God MUST lay hands on the passport, anoint it with olive oil and wrap it with white handkerchief so that the day the oyinbo visa officer receives their application God will touch his heart and he will issue them a visa.

Farouk let me tell you something some still do not get the visa and for those who do, they have to reach out to family and friends to raise funds for ticket, some are only able to raise the money when the visa has almost expired. Even me when I want to travel I'm always looking for cheap season tickets, I'll start calling my friends who work in airlines even the ones I had quarreled with. You come get visa and ticket money yanfu yanfu you come dey carry banger and knockout enter aeroplane.

Ah okay I remember it was xmas day so you wanted to do fireworks with other people's life. Or was it because you boarded a Delta airlines planes that the Niger Delta spirit descended on you. See Farouk let me tell you something even those guys have embraced amnesty they are just waiting for HIM (Your kinsman) to come back so they can conclude the agenda for the region. Ask Ateke, Tompo and Girl-Loaf, they don't kidnap oyinbo again neither do they throw banger or bisco on oil installations. They've all repented.

Why is it now that you have decided to rebrand Nigeria? Oh so you think you can do a better job than a whole Prof who rebranded a drug agency and saved millions of lives that have now being re-christened good people great nation. How can you throw spanner in the works just like that? You dis boy sef.

Anyway sha as for me, my countrymen and women we wish you whatever you wish yourself, as you may have realized you are On Your Own - O.Y.O. Even your popsie cannot come near you so wetin be my own? But Farouk wait first where you going to forfeit all of the perks as a rich man's son? You were a complete aje-butter and you wanted to kaput just like that??
Some have cap but have no head, some have head but they have no cap. You definitely lost you head.

I have enclosed a self addressed envelope so you don't have to worry about stamp and envelope. I await a quick response to my letter or else I will board a plane and,

P.S, personally i jst fink u'r a "naughty person".


Waffarian 2:55 pm  

hahahahahahahahaha!But whoever wrote it must be waffi...all those slangs, "my guy", "ol boy", "popsie", "banger" hahahahahaha, plus "ehen"...

That was hilarious, I laugh tire...

Tisha 3:59 pm  

i am not surprised no one wants to talk about farouk

June Olive - A Nigerian Feminist 5:26 pm  

Funny but definitely captures the perplexing sentiments/questions about his actions on every Nigerians mind.

Anonymous,  6:47 pm  

Very well written artcle and quite funny. However, the fact that his father is a wealthy man does not suggest Life would be as easy as you made it sound. Even the rich weep.

opium 8:14 pm  

Actually odds are that he'll end up in a SuperMax prison and will spend the rest of his life in solitary confinement with only one hour a day of exercise, which again will be solitary.

Anonymous,  10:12 pm  

LWKMD, thanks for posting this! the humour does take away some of the sting of the backlash on us regular naija folk, well somewhat.

Tai -Osagbemi Boma 11:49 pm  

anther funny thing is that farouk has made nigerian's the new arabs!!!

Gary 12:48 am  

It's getting to midnight here in Accra and i decided to check my twitter for the last before retiring to i cant sleep cos i'm laughing so hard and mom may knock on my door soon to ask if i'm ok! Thank you for the tonic. But yes, you make perfect sense.

Lola 8:11 pm  

Funny (or not so much) farouk himself has alluded to the fact that he was fed up and disillusioned by this "bigz bois" life in Naij. He saw the disparity and acted out. Like someone said, I'm sure his parents just thought they would throw money at him and magically he would become an upstanding citizen. Not so much the case....there are many disfunctional rich kids running about this here parts...

Omotade 4:09 am  

Lol...speechless. Irony is that... Hilary Clinton thinks he loathes capitalism (as seen by his father's wealth) so much to the point that it pushed him to the edge of terrorism in which of course he fell, but never quite got back on his feet. Who knows. Dunno if there's a possible correlation between the act of terrorism and capitalism...

Anyway sha, his headache not ours. Life goes on.

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