Tuesday, July 29, 2008

He ventured forth to bring light to the world

From todays The Times - satire at its best (ta Bayo for the link):

The anointed one's pilgrimage to the Holy Land is a miracle in action - and a blessing to all his faithful followers

And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.

The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow.

When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?”

In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working Class Whites.

And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the appointed year, the Child ventured forth - for the first time - to bring the light unto all the world.

He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the Taleban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world.

And the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces of the light were triumphant.

For as long as the Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more. From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it.

And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed to end in disaster, the Child's very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light.

And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the mention of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.

From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered “Hosanna” and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet.

In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace.

As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites.

And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.

The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one generations had been waiting for.

And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.

Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured. And all because the Child had pronounced it.

And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times.

Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them at length.

But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him.

And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets.

Thence he travelled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not.
On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once great prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One.

And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and singing: “Yes, We Can.”

Gerard Baker


me,  7:05 pm  

Black peasaant? I don't think so. Mr Obama Snr (RIP)was a very well educated man thank you very much.

Naapali 7:56 pm  

Tres drole.

re anon: I believe the writer was referring to grandparents and not parents.

Kody 8:27 pm  

In truth, I think there is something almost biblical about Barack Obama and the cult of personality that now surrounds him.

It is worrying really how he is being built up as if he is the younger brother of Jesus Christ (did he exist?) ; the messiah that has come to rescue Americans from the dimwit with foot in mouth disease (George Dubya), and the man who will finally make us non-Americans like the bloody yanks again.

I just hope if he becomes President (will this election ever come?!), people will give him the chance to grow into the role and not expect him to perform miracles as befits his biblical profile.

Frankly, I would have preferred a woman President - black, white, yellow or green, men make rubbish leaders, you only have to look at the state the world is in...

Beneath my feet 8:47 pm  

Ho ji! Hoji! What an entrance, the prince has indeed landed

me,  10:48 pm  

Right on. Well spotted. My bad.

BK_first_get_thirsty 10:49 pm  

whatev...Sen Obama has a brilliant sales and marketing team and has created amazing hysteria and support surrounding him. He's not ready...yet. But is the better choice than McCain..America will remain in the crapper for some time (though I hope I'm wrong)

Anonymous,  11:59 pm  

aka a wildly circulated email today.

Olu,  12:02 am  

More side-splitting stuff here :


anonymaus,  11:30 am  

People should be careful, the media may well be building him up into some superman. Should he be successful, they may well turn on him and choose to bring down to earth unceremoniously.

As for this line
"...and his successor, Gordon the Leper "

The author is too disrespectful, after all the man is the prime minister. I must admit it did make me laugh though.

Anonymous,  1:49 pm  


chanteuse,  4:20 pm  

People, lighten up! It was funny.

Anonymous,  6:39 pm  

Love it!
Note that the Child proclaimed to the Democrats yesterday that he has 'now become a symbol'. If the prayer he left in the wailing wall does indeed beong to him, then truly he has to watch out for the sin of pride.
Bk 1st at 10.42 is so right, there is no end in sight to the suffering.

Anonymous,  12:32 am  

Faboulous piece of work
been lmao all evening

ayo 2:49 pm  

...and no longer shall it be called the white house...lol

Anonymous,  4:22 pm  

sounds like ayo the marriage breaker...ull get what u deserve,.....find out soon

Anonymous,  5:48 pm  

ahhhj now the puzzle is resolved! The reason why Jeremy hasnt blogged about the Us electioons is because he sees through the fraud called Barack byut doesnt want all the naija people to eat hm raw... figures!!!!

And to the person that said: " just hope if he becomes President (will this election ever come?!), people will give him the chance to grow into the role and not expect him to perform miracles as befits his biblical profile."

No, people cannot give him a chance to grow into that role because HE sold himself as ffitting into that role!

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