Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Second letter to Broda Baraks..

Dear Cosin Baraks,

I am still waiting your ansa to my last letter. Hope things are all fine with you as you prepar for wite aus. How are Auntie Winshell and my shidren? Hope fine. Mama Sarah and all famili in Kenya and Nigeria have sent her greetings.

When I tell my son Adesoye dat Broda Baraks need a male son to take ova Amrican presidency afta you, e say no king in Amrica. I say what about Matin Luter King? E say Papa you funny. I say your moda famili funny. E say for Amrica, no fada pass power to im son, I say wat about George Bush pikin whish get presidence from im Papa George Bush also.

Now, I have to tell you a fery bad news and I hope you take it with heart of a man as you are Afrika man and not Oyinbo pepper who don’t have liver. Dat your small wife, dat Awelewa (Beauty na her Lagos name) I tell you about whish famili marry for you, is fery beatiful gal o. if you see her eyeballs, hehn? Den be like two boil hegg! Her hair is black and long and tick without no chemical, it take 3 onidiri 5 hours to plat it with rubber. Her hip is like Aran velvet and roll like syncro system till e scata somebodi head and the way the hips be I tink she will have plenti sons as possible. In fact her breast is standing anyhow. If somebodi put dia head on her breast, they will be in heaven. Anyway, I am paplex to find out that the gal have take in. That means she have get pregnancy. I was very surprise because she is a good well behave gal. After I take her to my pastor for prayer, Pastor tell me that, in fact, to be honest, I am the one she get the pregnant for. It is de devil work to scatter awa famili and becos de gal is friending wit bad gals in the yard since she come to dis Lagos. I beg you broda to forgif me but it is devil work! I tink our famili enemy want to use the gal to cause problem in Obama famili. I am very regret dis but pastor say we must not spoil de pregnancy. Mama Sarah have said the next wife for Baraks will be in her own personal room in Kenya until we send her to you. I tell Beauty she will be my 3rd wife but she say I too old. I say what about Broda Baraks, she say too old. You two old man. I say ya her fada be too old. She say she want go school after she born and be lawyer. I tink she have now stopborn laik Lagos gals.

I have now move to a self contain in Shogunle because my new position as Barak cosin cannot allow me to stay in two room Iyana Ipaja again because of when you want to come and greet me. The self-contain is very nice and get tolet.

I still want your help wit my NGO so dont foget your own flesh and blud.

Till I hear you, may Helen Akpabio catch all ya enemy and may dey fomit lizard, cowrie and padlock, afta, fall down and pisces! Amin!

Yours best cosin in Nigeria



Anonymous,  11:02 am  

'fess up J? is this the part B yours? its soo funny. someone should share with the americanos in our midst and horrify their politically correct sensiblities! too much!

Anonymous,  11:05 am  

This is really funny,including the first one.

Anonymous,  11:06 am  

This is really funny,including the first one.

Jeremy 11:14 am  

I wish I were so gifted...

The author is called Bolanle. She should have her own blog, dontcha think?

Anonymous,  6:35 pm  

Yeah, she should have her own blog. These letters are best read in the 'haccent'.
Lol at the accidental pregnancy which was the work of the enemy.

Ama Shorty 12:59 pm  

this is hilarious

Derin!!! 4:13 pm  

the only thing left to say is that cousin Festus "have craze"(to borrow his grammar).The only asylum he'll be getting will be lunatic asylum:"it is not his kind that they are finding in the US to be pompousing around and showing himself anyhowly as President family!!!" if care is not taken, he'll get to the US and wangle his way, in typical Naija fashion, to the White House...and somehow become Obama's senior speechwriter.God forbid!!!

Anonymous,  11:38 am  

Derin, that level of nepotism only exists in the third world, ie if barack obama were president of nigeria/india/zimbabwe/(insert any country), then that scenario would be a cruel reality we'd have to live with, and not a joke.

Afrobabe 8:14 pm  

OMG....she certainly needs to have her own blog...great work...cant stop laughing especially at the brides breasts.....sounds like mine!!!

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