Monday, June 11, 2007

Exciting Job Opportunities in the Niger Delta

Our client, a Niger Delta Militant Group with branches in strategic locations throughout all the six South-South states of Nigeria is seeking to expand its operations to Abuja, the Federal Capital territory. This expansion has brought about vacancies for qualified and experienced young officers. The positions are:

Government Liaison
The successful applicant who will report to the Executive Council, and the Executive Director, Abuja, is expected to possess the following competencies:

1) Minimum of 10 years experience in militant agitation. (Membership of Al-qaeda, Hamas or other similar organisation will be an added advantage)

2) Fluent knowledge of Hausa, Ijaw, English, Italian and German

3) Expert ability to distinguish between Oyinbos and Albinos

4) Ability to swim in deep waters

5) Ability to recognise fake/marked naira notes by

6) Ability to easily recognise all Senators and Ministers of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Evidence of previous successful kidnap of BIG MEN must be provided (pictures preferable)

1) Minimum of 5 years experience taking photos in war zones. (Domestic fights do not qualify as war zones for these purposes)

2) Proficiency in the use of explosives as camera lighting.

3) Knowledge of the different skin tones of expatriates, as an aid to taking high-quality pictures,
is a must.

4) Proficiency in the use of Adobe Photoshop, and Internet photo uploading software is a must.

Please include a portfolio of previous photo-samples (must contain kidnapped persons OR be taken in war-zones OR be nightshots in blackspots like Oshodi, 3rd Mainland bridge, Apongbon, etc)

Militant Trainee
1) Candidates must be between the ages of 13 and 50, be at least 4m tall, and may be male or female.

2) Minimum of Nursery School/Kindergarten certificate.

3)Jobless university graduates, and serving policemen will be given special consideration.

4) Possession of jungle boots and face mask is a must.

5) Preference will be given to persons with knowledge of foreign European languages, and persons with the ability to swim.


Very attractive, competitive, and comparable with industry standards (payments in foreign currencies).

Official guns, boats and grenades will be provided.

Excellent training, involving offshore
secondment (Iraq, Afghanistan etc) from time to time

Regular appearance on CNN, Alaaroye, Time Magazine, The Economist and other International magazines.

Excellent networking opportunities with Nigerian politicians, oil magnates, and foreign businessmen.

Interested applicants should forward their applications and detailed curriculum militae within two weeks to:


Anonymous,  6:25 pm  

abeg-o! na wetin go happen? WWIII

catwalq 9:51 pm  

I am actually more sad than tickled. Do u know that for some of these qualities, too many exist who have them.
Besides, have u heard about the blog idol thing, u really need to get on the programme o.
let's see what u r working with!!!

agaracha,  10:56 pm  

LOL !!

Akin 11:09 pm  

Can't take that offer - The British government has warned that its citizens should leave the Niger Delta area forthwith.

But seriously, this just highlights a problem that might just become so intractable and out of the control of the new President.

If these people do acquire this kind of organisational ability and efficiency - we have not begun to see seriously high oil prices yet.

Spook E 12:54 am  

When are you catching you plane home lol...make them no catch you oh abeg!

Afolabi 2:47 am  

this isn't funny, its kind of offensive especially to young people in the niger delta

babatunde 8:47 am  

Dear Sir,
I beg to appy for the post of photographer. I had digigal camera of 2 migipixal, I was deported form germany in 2004 so I sabi Oyinbo's well well and my 2nd cousin na 419 guy so I get internet access

Your Faithfuly

charles 11:58 am  

na wah oh!! NIGERIA is in TROUBLE oh!! because our unemployed and low pay graduates will flood this organization in no time.
why bcos the have from wat i see, one of the best organizatinal structure. atlest their rumeration is very attractive compare to sme companies dat will use you properly and pay you peanuts at de end of de month.

twinstaiye 12:46 pm  

LOL, Very funny!!!!
The Federal Government has warned that none of its citizen should apply for this dangerous job, because they shall be out of job since Federal Government has a brilliant formula to douse the Niger Delta Problems.

culturalmiscellany 2:18 pm  

Its funny but I still worry about my close friends working there. Four of my friends' colleagues were taken the other day, I hope he's not next. Being Nigerian seems to make no difference down there from what he says. I think it was inevitable that, having studied Chemical Engineering I'd have friends there. All I can do is hope he's OK.

Jaja 3:39 pm  

I received this email too from a friend and laughed.

But truly, I reject the notion of a militant Niger delta. Even if it does seem this way…. Of late
I am concerned about this situation, especially since I have watched it grow and grow… I don’t think the situation is being handled as it ought to. Without the oil in this region the Niger delta’s position is terribly dispensable…now it s almost like ‘expatriates are going, let’s do something’.

I am from the Niger delta. I live in Port Harcourt. We all know that the flawed situation here has been hijacked by thieves, oil bunkers and war lords who have supporters in government…. Let me not begin to whine.., but for many, like me, here, the sentiment is the same…

We refuse this baggage…
We reject Violence
We insist on our peaceful, quiet lives by our water sides (as polluted as they may have become)
We choose to remain

Anonymous,  5:22 pm  

I think its funny you know. However, like one Oyinbo guy said Nigeria will rise above anything and thats just the way we were wired. We rise above all challenges and crisis, that is we feared:)
I am hopeful......

Anonymous,  5:29 pm  

This Offer is nice, but where are the insurance policies? With take maybe a negotiation might be possible?

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